- Moms with curfews. Seriously? Live a little. You have no kids for the evening, you are out of the house and you probably even put makeup on…don’t call it a night at 9pm. Unless you are exclusively breastfeeding and you must get home before the baby wakes up the entire house- put your big girl panties on and enjoy a night out!
- Moms who get shitfaced after two drinks. Come on. I know that your tolerance may be less now then it was at 22, but no one likes a sloppy drunk, especially after two glasses of wine. I don’t want to spend my night away from the kids taking care of your drunk ass. Get your act together and start practicing more at home. That’s what the rest of us do.
- Moms who are always on some prohibitive diet or cleanse. Please don’t make me feel guilty for ordering a large bowl of queso and a pitcher of margaritas. I never get any queso, especially while it is still warm or doesn’t have little chip crumbs all in it from double dipping. Yuck. I know that you are going gluten free, paleo and pro-kale, but watching you eat a salad with no dressing makes me sad. Don’t make me feel sad and fat on girl’s night out.
- Moms who pretend they didn’t have sex to make their children. Granted, there are many different sorts of girls night out events and while you may not want to talk about your new found love of warming lube with the PTO president, your girlfriends want to know. We want to know that we are normal and we want to talk about sex, baby! As a woman that reads an exorbitant number of romance books, I like to see how the real life logistics pan out…can you really bend that way while simultaneously using that technique with your tongue? I sure hope so.
- Moms who always say yes and then bail the day of. I understand extenuating circumstances. Sometimes your kids suddenly pukes all over you or maybe your husband had to work later than expected, but not every. single. time. you make plans. Please get your act together, I have secured a babysitter and looked forward to a night out for days only to be emotionally crushed that my adult time has now been downgraded to wandering around Target housewares department searching for a good deal. On second thought, maybe I don’t mind that you bailed. I love Target and a good deal and I need a new rug for the bedroom.
- Moms who always somehow one-up-you. I feel like e’ffing mom of the goddamn year when I finally get around to being awesome enough to make playdoh for the kids. Please don’t then tell me about the amazing borax-free glitter slime you made for your littles to help refine their gross motor skills. Blah, blah, you are awesome. Don’t piss in my punch bowl overachiever. You win. I get it.
- Moms who can only talk about their kids. Yes, you are a mom and you have kids, but please, give it a rest. You are also a person who has individual likes and dislikes, dreams, feelings, desires and passions. Hopefully. If you don’t, you should take some time, start a blog, write all about your need to discover who you are, almost get a divorce and then find your passion. It is as simple as that- now you have something else to talk about.
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