Parental Code Words for S-E-X

Little ears are everywhere! God help me when they can start spelling. My husband and I will have to stay up late with the Rosetta Stone learning another language. I should invent a parent code- a top secret language to talk about super sensitive information, you know, like crap talking about the whiney neighbor kids and where you hid the chocolate. Should you find yourself in the same close quarters, I have it on good authority that these are pretty universal phrases for when mommy and daddy want a little alone time…

1. “Do you wanna lock the door?” We all know what that means. When I was growing up I would hear my parent’s door lock in the middle of the night and now I know too much.
2. “Are you tired?” ie: How long do I have before you completely pass out.
3. “Do you wanna, you know, do it tonight?” Subtle, yet effective.
4. “The kids are asleep…” It’s the hopefulness at the end of the sentence that is so endearing.
5. “Should I put the dog outside?” My dog is thankfully not a voyeur, but I hear some of you don’t prefer a drooling, four-legged audience.
6. “Do you have a headache?”  Honey, do you have a headache? No? Good, then you don’t have an excuse.
7. “Is it halftime yet?” That’s my favorite kind of halftime show. I wonder how many Fantasy points I can earn…
8. “I am feeling disconnected.” Admittedly, I say this with or without the anticipation of sex. It’s my go to phrase for needing a date night, deep conversation, cuddle time watching our shows- or some physical reconnection.
9. “How you doin’?” Hey, it worked for Joey.
10. “Say hello to my little friend.”  Well, I don’t know if I would want to call it little.

If all the subtle innuendo fails…

Cue up The Humpy Dance by Digital Underground. Stop what you are doing and do the humpty hump.

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