I am a MOM and WIFE. But, I am also a FRIEND. DAUGHTER. SISTER. NEIGHBOR. There are a lot of hats and lately I feel like I am sucking it up big time. I feel like I am peddling just as fast and hard as I can and yet, I am going nowhere. I feel like I am working my ass off (unfortunately not literally- I cannot find time or energy to do that) and yet, I am not making anyone happy- including myself. I feel like I truly try my best to please everyone and yet, I please no one. I am not depressed, please don’t think that I have any problem like that…this is just a temporary lull in the system. I think this feeling may just be a plateau or maybe a fork in the road that needs to be navigated.
My children are wonderful, inquisitive, funny, happy, fabulous balls of energy and neediness. They are young and navigating this world to the best of their ability- and it’s exhausting; physically and mentally exhausting. I am never alone. I cannot hear myself think over the constant singing, yelling, chattering and music in the house. I am followed to the bathroom. I make meals and snacks all day long. I have to get up in the middle of the night to scare away monsters, clean up puke, administer baby Tylenol, or just for some reassuring cuddles and kisses. I am like a mommy- on call, all the time, forever and ever and ever….
I try and plan girls nights, date nights, play dates, outings, activities…blah, blah, blah. I plan ahead; I try and find babysitters far in advance. I try to keep the peace, make everyone happy, and make sure no one feels used. I try to be thankful for the help we receive and dutifully return the favor. I try, I try, I try! I am so tired. I want to go do something without jumping through a million hoops first, without packing baggies of goldfish and sippies of milk, without making plans and backup plans.
I am but one person and I am doing the best that I can. I try to get laundry done, keep the kitchen stocked, have dinner on the table, have coffee ready in the morning and pay the household bills on time. I try to keep the kids active and involved and I try to create a home with love and laughter.
That is a lot of balls. That is a lot of small tasks that can easily get overlooked or pushed aside for more pressing issues. This is why people have help. They have daycare, house cleaners, assistants, secretaries, nannies…because it’s a tough fucking job for one person.
Give me a break – I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN!
I don’t get paid for this SAHM job. I didn’t have to fill out an application. I didn’t get a list of prerequisites or objectives, I sure don’t have a PDF file of directions to perform any specific tasks. I am just one woman, trying to figure it all out. I mean, honestly, we are all just making this up as we go.
I have thought long on the situation at hand and still have no answers. Zip. Nada. I have been told to pray on it…I guess. I am not really the religious kind, but I suppose happy thoughts and the ability to throw my anxiety out into the universe may help. I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not crazy and I know that I am not the only one to have ever had these feelings.
My husband said that he was just going to have to get used to the “new me”. In his exact words, “this overwhelmed mom who is constantly annoyed at her circumstances”. I love him, but I don’t agree. I am not annoyed at my circumstances; I am just frustrated that despite my best efforts, I still feel like I am failing. Please don’t confuse this with feeling like a failure. I feel like I am treading water, not drowning. I just yearn to be on the diving board, high above the pool in the first place. I suppose that could be unrealistic. But, reach for the stars, RIGHT??
You can also follow me on Facebook! Join the party.