My husband and I have been together since our early 20’s and in the last 11 years we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. Our biggest of downs was last summer when we decided to file for divorce. We never did sign the papers and instead decided to recommit ourselves to our marriage- but it’s been a tough road. Divorce brings with it so many feelings and so much resentment. I feel like forgiveness is the key to shedding the pain and the anger of the past, but we all know that is so much easier said than done. There are always words you cannot forget hearing, actions you cannot forget taking place and feelings so raw that sometimes you forget that you made the choice to move past them long ago.
It’s difficult beginning a new chapter with the pain of the previous year lingering in the back of your brain. Little demons that don’t seem to want to let go and habits so deeply engrained that its second nature. So, at the heavy urging of a husband that already struggles with his own cyclonic depression- I have decided to work on myself and stop the arduous task of controlling everyone around me. I make myself miserable and it makes those closest to me miserable. It’s a nasty cycle that I can’t seem to jump off of. But, for the sake of my sanity, my health and my marriage I have to stop. I must let go. I must allow myself to focus inward and trust others to make their own decisions.
I have to believe we are all beautiful works in progress. No one has it all figured out. No one has mastered the art of living.
I have had underlying anxiety and stress and slowly it’s has taken a toll on me. After some research it looks like I may have adrenal fatigue. At least I have most of the major symptoms and it explains so much- my exhaustion, my headaches, my new weight gain in the belly region. I feel like I have spent so long taking care of others that I completely forgot about me. It also scares the living shit out of me because it can be a precursor to hypertension, heart disease and diabetes. The number one cause of death is heart disease. Sobering thought. I have spent so much time trying to control others that I am completely out of control and its scary. Its even scarier to realize that I have done it to myself. I somehow allowed the stress and anxiety of this crazy beautiful world to wear me down.
Lately I feel like I am all out of whack. Out of alignment. Off kilter and careening off into the universe hoping not to crash into something on the way. I think I narrowly missed implosion. At least, I hope I missed implosion. It’s tough to say. But, for the health and wellbeing of me, my husband and our kids- I need to figure it out now. I need to let go.
This may not make sense to anyone else. If not- I am so happy for you! Embrace your peace and happiness and tell me your secret. For those of you that understand where I am coming from, those caught in a cycle they have been in too long- it’s time to take a deep breath and Let. It. Go.
Ps. Honestly, I can’t even type “let it go” without thinking of Frozen- but I cannot think of a better term, damnit!
“I am never going back, the past is in the past!