Marriage: A Scary Story of a Work in Progress

My husband and I have been together since our early 20’s and in the last 11 years we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. Our biggest of downs was last summer when we decided to file for divorce. We never did sign the papers and instead decided to recommit ourselves to our marriage- but it’s been a tough road. Divorce brings with it so many feelings and so much resentment. I feel like forgiveness is the key to shedding the pain and the anger of the past, but we all know that is so much easier said than done. There are always words you cannot forget hearing, actions you cannot forget taking place and feelings so raw that sometimes you forget that you made the choice to move past them long ago.

It’s difficult beginning a new chapter with the pain of the previous year lingering in the back of your brain. Little demons that don’t seem to want to let go and habits so deeply engrained that its second nature. So, at the heavy urging of a husband that already struggles with his own cyclonic depression- I have decided to work on myself and stop the arduous task of controlling everyone around me. I make myself miserable and it makes those closest to me miserable. It’s a nasty cycle that I can’t seem to jump off of. But, for the sake of my sanity, my health and my marriage I have to stop. I must let go. I must allow myself to focus inward and trust others to make their own decisions.

I have to believe we are all beautiful works in progress. No one has it all figured out. No one has mastered the art of living.

Memoirs of a Modern Mom: beautiful works in progress.

I have had underlying anxiety and stress and slowly it’s has taken a toll on me. After some research it looks like I may have adrenal fatigue. At least I have most of the major symptoms and it explains so much- my exhaustion, my headaches, my new weight gain in the belly region. I feel like I have spent so long taking care of others that I completely forgot about me. It also scares the living shit out of me because it can be a precursor to hypertension, heart disease and diabetes. The number one cause of death is heart disease. Sobering thought. I have spent so much time trying to control others that I am completely out of control and its scary. Its even scarier to realize that I have done it to myself. I somehow allowed the stress and anxiety of this crazy beautiful world to wear me down.

Lately I feel like I am all out of whack. Out of alignment. Off kilter and careening off into the universe hoping not to crash into something on the way. I think I narrowly missed implosion. At least, I hope I missed implosion. It’s tough to say. But, for the health and wellbeing of me, my husband and our kids- I need to figure it out now. I need to let go.

This may not make sense to anyone else. If not- I am so happy for you! Embrace your peace and happiness and tell me your secret. For those of you that understand where I am coming from, those caught in a cycle they have been in too long- it’s time to take a deep breath and Let. It. Go.

Ps. Honestly, I can’t even type “let it go” without thinking of Frozen- but I cannot think of a better term, damnit!

“I am never going back, the past is in the past!

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Don’t Make My Kid Hate Me.

On notice: Parents that don’t follow the damn rules!!

I received no less than TWO letters in my kid’s take home folder explaining the guidelines for the (Halloween) Storybook Character Parade at school.

Rule #1: Come to school dressed as a BOOK CHARACTER. (Note: It doesn’t say favorite movie character that now has books, too. It says BOOK CHARACTER.)

Rule #2: The character must be based on a BOOK appropriate for elementary school aged kids. (Note: This does not include Game of Thrones- come on, that is just violent porn. They will find enough of that on the internet in a couple years.)

Rule #3: Do not choose a random Halloween costume and then find a book that might be able to fit it. (Note: The History of Knights Anthology, really? That’s what you read to your kid before bedtime? **ahem, liar** However, this kids costume would put some of the Renaissance Festival performers to shame.)

But, even with several letters home and a PTA Facebook post- I still saw about 42 Elsas. My daughter was pissed.

“MOM, KIDS ARE WEARING THEIR ELSA COSTUME!! YOU TOLD ME WE COULDN’T WEAR FROZEN!! ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ARE ELSA!!”

Look parents, I get it- your kid was already going to be Elsa for Halloween. Of course you didn’t want to have to make a whole new Green Eggs and Ham costume out of felt and some batting. I agree, your kid had no interest in wearing the damn thing anyway, so you said fuck it. Elsa it is.

I understand. I am all about the path of least resistance but now you made me look like a grade A asshole. I am the craptastic mom that won’t let her daughter wear the Elsa dress because I  FOLLOWED THE RULES!

Ballernia Not Elsa. Frozen was not a book first.

I know we are all busy; we don’t want to piece together a million different costumes to appease tiny, fickle little people with ever changing opinions. But the devastation on her face when she saw Elsa after Elsa walking the parade route was just mean. I was about 3 seconds away from going all Tiger Mom.

Please don’t make my daughter hate me because you were too lazy to throw a costume together. She is going to have enough reasons for intensive therapy later. Trust me, I don’t need your help…I am capable of that all on my own, thank you.

Next year can we all just agree to follow the rules, please? Pick a stupid book character- dress up your kid as a Fancy Nancy or Harry Potter or whatever character originated in a BOOK and send them off into the parade. Thanks.