I am having a feud- with myself. Perhaps I should call it a delusion? In my head I am so much cooler then I am in my real life. I think I have this version of me in my head that I cant (or am too lazy) to actually make into reality. This woman in my head is awesome. She has her shit together. This woman excels at time management, patience and being fucking awesome. She likes to have fun, is up for anything, has no fear, is secure in herself, is positive and friendly. This woman can cook, craft, do yoga, write, engage in thoughtful discussion, has fabulous beachy waves, a couple new tattoos and a pulled-together boho style with funky stacked jewelry that figured out how to successfully wear skinny jeans.
My real-life self is a bit jealous of the fantasy version my head has conjured. But, I am also fairly sure that with enough exercise, sleep, time, perseverance and hormonal balance, I could become this person that my head seems to be nudging me towards. What is that stupid saying? The journey of a lifetime starts with a single step? I don’t know, something like that…but, I suppose its true. One step at a time, one day at a time…the whole tortoise and the hare idea; slow and steady wins the race. Yes. That is so true- I am very slow. I suppose lazy might even be the appropriate word. Ugh, that makes me sad to even type, but it’s the truth. I am lazy and tired. I think it may just be par for the course while you have little people that require so much attention. I require a lot of sleep, down time and the chance to hear silence. I crave the sound of silence. I crave the ability to be left with my own thoughts without the banter of a 5-year old or the insistent chatter and whine of a toddler.
I get the results from my trip to the endocrinologist next week, so I am hoping to shed some light on whatever the hell is happening with my hormones. Y’all- the doctors exact words were. “tell you husband to hang in there, your hormones are definitely screwed up.” I asked him if I could get that in writing. VALIDATION!! What a weight off my shoulders just to be told that there is a “medical” reason, that there is hope for me yet!
Ah, I know. There are plenty of women out there that have twice as many kids and twice as much productivity. I have seen enough mom blogs on Facebook and pins on Pinterest to know that there is a pretty determined group of ladies making shit happen! I want to make shit happen! But, currently I am sitting at my computer in the dining room guzzling coffee while my son begs for snacks. (What is it with “snacks”?? Seriously? I just gave you breakfast and now you are still hungry for snacks??)
One day at a time. I will consider today the day I was honest with myself and put my goals out there…tomorrow I stack some bracelets and google “skinny jeans for a large ass”. Shut it, I said baby steps. I need more sleep to figure out how to make fabulous beachy waves a reality. #bootcutforever