Skinny Jeans Can Suck It.

I am having a feud- with myself. Perhaps I should call it a delusion? In my head I am so much cooler then I am in my real life. I think I have this version of me in my head that I cant (or am too lazy) to actually make into reality.  This woman in my head is awesome. She has her shit together. This woman excels at time management, patience and being fucking awesome. She likes to have fun, is up for anything, has no fear, is secure in herself, is positive and friendly. This woman can cook, craft, do yoga, write, engage in thoughtful discussion, has fabulous beachy waves, a couple new tattoos and a pulled-together boho style with funky stacked jewelry that figured out how to successfully wear skinny jeans.

Memoirs of a Modern Mom: Skinny Jeans can suck it

My real-life self is a bit jealous of the fantasy version my head has conjured. But, I am also fairly sure that with enough exercise, sleep, time, perseverance and hormonal balance, I could become this person that my head seems to be nudging me towards. What is that stupid saying? The journey of a lifetime starts with a single step? I don’t know, something like that…but, I suppose its true. One step at a time, one day at a time…the whole tortoise and the hare idea; slow and steady wins the race. Yes. That is so true- I am very slow. I suppose lazy might even be the appropriate word. Ugh, that makes me sad to even type, but it’s the truth. I am lazy and tired. I think it may just be par for the course while you have little people that require so much attention. I require a lot of sleep, down time and the chance to hear silence. I crave the sound of silence. I crave the ability to be left with my own thoughts without the banter of a 5-year old or the insistent chatter and whine of a toddler.

I get the results from my trip to the endocrinologist next week, so I am hoping to shed some light on whatever the hell is happening with my hormones. Y’all- the doctors exact words were. “tell you husband to hang in there, your hormones are definitely screwed up.” I asked him if I could get that in writing. VALIDATION!! What a weight off my shoulders just to be told that there is a “medical” reason, that there is hope for me yet!

Ah, I know. There are plenty of women out there that  have twice as many kids and twice as much productivity. I have seen enough mom blogs on Facebook and pins on Pinterest to know that there is a pretty determined group of ladies making shit happen! I want to make shit happen! But, currently I am sitting at my computer in the dining room guzzling coffee while my son begs for snacks. (What is it with “snacks”?? Seriously? I just gave you breakfast and now you are still hungry for snacks??)

One day at a time. I will consider today the day I was honest with myself and put my goals out there…tomorrow I stack some bracelets and google “skinny jeans for a large ass”. Shut it, I said baby steps. I need more sleep to figure out how to make fabulous beachy waves a reality. #bootcutforever


Bah E’ffing Humbug

Bah, Humbug

It the most wonderful time of the year…my ass. I am just not a fan of the holidays, more specifically Christmas. Thanksgiving is ok. It’s not that I am impervious to the smell of blue spruce or the twinkling of lights or the jingling of bells. I am even for the added pep in one’s step; I just don’t subscribe to the magical nature of the season.

  1. I am not religious. Therefore the “Jesus is the reason for the Season” and “Keep the Christ in Christmas” yard signs just don’t resonate with me. If Jesus is the reason for the season, then why so much emphasis on a big fat man in a plush red suit, or a reindeer with a glowing nose, or that damn Toys R’ Us catalogue?? I am confused. Did two holidays get all mixed and mashed up in one? It’s a birthday party and EVERYONE gets presents!?
  2. This brings me to presents…the very bane of my holiday existence. I like pretty things, I like giving pretty things and I like receiving pretty things. I like to see a HUGE smile sweep across my daughter’s face as she opens a gift that she has been nagging and pleading coveting. I like to surprise my husband with a perfectly thoughtful gift that he didn’t even know he wanted. I like splurging on a weird gift for my dad, or a funky piece of jewelry for my mom. I like hunting for the perfect gift for my mother-in-law. I do not, however, like being MANDATED to buy everyone a freaking gift just because convention and the “magic of the season” dictates that I do so. And now, it seems it can’t just be one gift, there must be several gifts exchanged with teachers and mailmen and babysitters and neighbors…It’s all too much.
  3. Too many traditions, too little time. OMG. My husband is a holiday traditionalist. If we do something one year, we must do it every year or risk ruining a tradition. Growing up, Christmas was a truly magical time of year for his family. They LOVED the pomp and circumstance, the decorations, the baking, the giving and receiving of gifts. 30 years later, I have acquired a Christmas torch that I am just not worthy of carrying. It is too heavy. Too monumental. There is too much history is in this fire and quite frankly, I cannot live up to the magic that this torch requires. I try my best throughout the season to continue old traditions and create new traditions that work with our little family, but find myself continually falling short. If there are 20 traditions and I drop ONE ball, it ruins the holiday thus negating the other 19 things I worked my ass off to create. Its stressful, exhausting, and quite frankly I can’t make anyone happy.
  4. The consumerism of it all! Can we say complete over consumption of things we do not need?? I mean seriously. Black Friday. Cyber Monday. My house is small cozy. We are not overflowing with gizmos and gadgets and lights and whistles and bins of shit that are never opened. We have a couple amazingly loved toys that make the kids happy for hours. Their favorite: A 1980’s Fisher-Price Family House with all the accessories, a tub of dinosaurs and a bunch of markers and a couple coloring books. That’s it. They LOVE them. I love they are so creative in their play and can be so immersed in the world they create. I don’t need more clutter. In fact, I love the idea of boxing up old toys and donating them to a women’s shelter. We are starting that this year and my daughter is excitedly collecting toys that she wants to donate for other kids to enjoy. She makes my heart happy with her kind and generous spirit.
  5. My holiday season would be perfect if I could collect all my family and friends from all corners of the US and bring them together for the day. I LOVE my family. All of them. Even the crazy ones, the stubborn ones, the type-A ones, the young ones, the old ones and even the bible-beaters. They all have a special place in my heart and have helped shaped me. I am so very thankful for the lessons, the stories, the guidance, the support and the love…the intangible GIFTS that each person in my life has given me. These are the gifts that I feel so very grateful for. I feel blessed beyond measure and do not need any amount of stocking stuffers to prove my love. I would rather spend money on plane tickets to connect with each other in person, perhaps over a pitcher of margaritas -not on gadgets and gizmos. I am grateful for all the people in my life and for the time, thoughts and money they put into gifts for the season, but I find it unnecessary. Just knowing I have the love, support and friendship is more than I could ever dream of. Thank you for all those people in my life- I love you all. Oh, and keep a look out for the UPS guy, your Christmas presents will arrive shortly.


Find the hilarious Cross stitch patterns here:

Bah Humbug from nerdylittlestitcher

Fa la la la fucking la from Subversive Cross stitch