The fourteenth installment of January guest blogs: “Your scary, crazy, amazing goal you would accomplish in 2015 if you could do absolutely ANTHING!” If you would like to participate find me on Facebook– I would love to share your story!
January 19th: Dana: Fearless
This is the second year I have been asked to be a guest blogger and it’s always an honor and hard to write because I want to do it right. I want to bare my soul, lay it all out on the table and say this is how it is. What stops me is what always stops me, the fear of hurting someone in the process, fear of putting myself out there for the world to see. Here’s the thing though. If laying myself on the line and writing a blog post that has the potential to touch at least one person, help one person realize they aren’t alone, or change one person’s life. Then how can I not. So you ask my what would be my “scary, crazy, amazing goal you would accomplish in 2015 if you could do absolutely ANTHING!” Can I have more then one? I’m going to have more then one, but I’m going to blog about the big one.
FEAR. I want to live a FEARLESS LIFE.
Remember when you were a kid and you didn’t have fear because most of the world was foreign to you. The first time I was stung by a bee I didn’t know what the bee was or what it could do, but I learned quickly and from that moment on bees make me a little nervous and I avoid them for fear of being stung. That’s how it starts. As the world opens up to you, the fears begin to pile on. Fear can be crippling. Not knowing you are doing things because you are afraid is even worse. I guess it’s true what they say “First step is admitting you have a problem.” because you can’t change if you don’t know and even when you do know, change is hard.
I started off 2014 in the best place ever. You know how you felt on Christmas morning as a kid (perhaps even now), when you got a raise at work, reached a goal, first day of vacation? That’s how last year felt for me, every day. It lasted about 2-3 months. I’d experienced this exact euphoria before but it had only last hours, a couple days, weeks at the most and here I was thinking this is how the rest of my life was going to continue. It wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong 2014 wasn’t a bad year by any means and I wasn’t miserable just something changed and it was slight, not recognizable at first and it slowly gained as time went on. I wasn’t even sure what it was I just felt like there was a tiny cloud above me trying to move in on my sunshine and I chose to accept it rather then explore it. I took the easy answer and blamed wedding planning on it and figured once the wedding was over that feeling would return. It didn’t.
I got married this fall and afterwards things were great for about a month and then that cloud came back but this time it was darker and more demanding of my sun. I finally decided to go see my therapist who I hadn’t seen in about six months. I don’t mess around anymore. The moment I feel a depression coming over me I make an appointment. I refuse to let depression take hold of me again. The appointment was good but not life altering. My therapist is fantastic so this isn’t a slight to her in any way. We talked about a lot of things and I left with new things to explore. As usual one day it hit me (told you she was good). I wasn’t living. I was but I wasn’t. I was allowing fear to stop me from living the fullest life and when I took a good look I realized I had a long list of fears.
Never getting out of debt – I feel like I’ve known debt my whole life. I’m not good at managing money, I can be impulsive (damn Pisces in me). I didn’t grow up with the best example of what it was like to save and be financially stable. Could I sit here and blame my lack of being financially free on not having a good example or being impulsive cause of the day I was born? Sure. I won’t though. It’s my fault. Times when I should have said “no” I said “yes” did I REALLY need that new outfit? It’s my fault and mine alone. If you need me I’ll be by this hole slowly but continuously shoveling dirt back in it. Starting my own venture – I want to have my own business, I’ve actually wanted to do that for a long time now but I don’t feel like I’m giving it my all and my only guess is it’s from fear of failing. What if it doesn’t work out? What do I have to offer that isn’t already out there? My depression coming back – I always thought this was normal and part of life and who I was. Realizing it wasn’t and was the cause of suppressed anger changed everything. It opened my eyes and any time I feel depression coming on I can freely explore the route of it and usually I’m able to move from it, if not I make a therapy appointment. Now, don’t get me wrong depression is different for everyone and I by no means am I saying that you can easily get “past” it because it’s not true. Depression to me is like being stuck inside an invisible box, you can see everything around you and want to be a part of it but you can’t step outside the box. Like those dreams you have where you’re screaming but nothing’s coming out of your mouth. Depression is crippling. If it feels like that to you then I hope you have the strength to seek professional help because thinking it’s normal or you can “fix” it on your own is a lie your depression tells you. Also, you’re not alone and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Losing my confidence again – I remember the last time my confidence was broken and it took lots of therapy and self-exploration to build myself up again. Lack of confidence caused me to be defensive, fight with Clifton, let jealousy rear it’s ugly head and the stress and anxiety caused by second guessing myself on every single decision I made was unimaginable.
My marriage failing – I know I just got married I should be enjoying it and not worried I’m going to mess up or think that 5 years from now I’ll mess up, but I do. I made a promise to my husband and in front of our family and friends and I meant it. I’m in this for the long hall. I just want to make sure that when life throws itself at us, neither one of us forgets that day and the promises we made.
Turning into my mother – This sounds harsher then I mean it. I love my mother. Things have changed in her life and somewhere along the way she broke. I won’t get into the reasons because that’s a story for another day. It is what it is and I miss the mother she was when I was young, the one people tell me about. I can’t bring her back, only she can do that and my fear is breaking one day too and not being able to come back. Losing someone I love – This has and will probably always be a fear of mine. I think you get it.
Being hurt/deceived by a friend/loved one – Too often I give myself to people. I welcome them with open arms and bend over backwards and more then once that person has intentionally hurt/ taken advantage of me. Which is why I find it easier to not let new people in. More then that I feel I’ve started to close myself off to those I have let in for the same reason.
Gaining weight – As mentioned earlier I’ve been on a healthy lifestyle journey for over 10 years having finally gained confidence in my body, I’m afraid of losing it, going back to old ways because it’s so easy to do, letting old habits slip into every day and the next thing you know you’re back at square one.
Losing myself – Before I met Clifton I was independent and confident living life on my own terms. I’d move to Texas, lived here by myself for several years, moved to Dallas on my own and now I’m married and as much as you try to stay separate the lines can blur and I’m always afraid I’ll lose sight of who I am and what I want because I’m too busy worrying about Clifton, the critters and one day, hopefully our children.
Becoming Complacent – I love routine. I love enjoying my coffee on the weekend mornings while I read a book and mess around on social media. I like knowing what lies ahead. I also like spontaneity and surprises but my routine side fights with that side and it seems the first always wins and I just want it to start losing more.
There you have it, my biggest fears. Told you there was a lot.
I remembered recently something my therapist told me in my first session. She said something along the lines of “You’ve had bad things happen in your life and you’ve survived them, stop worrying about what can happen because you can’t prevent it and when something bad does happen know you’re strong enough to survive it.” So here I am, expressing each and every one of my fears to you, putting them out into the universe so I can start living a FEARLESS life because “FEARLESS’ is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid… FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them….FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death…” and that is exactly what I want.