I have sat down 100 times to write this. Some versions are sad, others happy. Sometimes it is angry and harsh, sometimes even calm and rational. I want to be diplomatic. I try to be strong and composed. But, other times, the fact that we are back at this point FUCKING INFURIATES ME!
For the most part there is a calm that is different than last time. Last time. I am so ashamed that I even have to say “last time”. Last time, when we decided to get a divorce- a year and a half ago- I wallowed in the separation. I chronicled the events and my emotions. It overtook my daily routine and became a whole new facet of me and I didn’t want that to happen again this time. I haven’t written much and for the most part I think it helped keep me in the present, living in the moment instead of introspectively behind the laptop. But, I felt like a liar. I felt like a huge part of me was remaining hidden but I wanted to wait until I could write the words with conviction:
I am getting a divorce.
I am so afraid of being the girl that cried divorce. My biggest fear is looking stupid. I feel like divorce makes me look stupid. It makes me feel stupid. Stupid that I have made bad decisions. Stupid that I failed. Stupid that I thought first love could be true love. Stupid that I am 33 years old and have to figure it all out again like some angsty college co-ed that can’t decide on her major. Only now, I have two kids and a soon to be ex-husband and I am just as lost as I was at 20- but with so much more responsibility. I have a new chapter to begin and that chapter starts now.
So, with heavy heart and anxious nerves, we will part ways.
Our kids are an amazing gift from this love affair gone askew and we will forever continue to put them first. We may not be married, but we will always be family. A family who always wants the best for each other. A family who loves fiercely and fully. A family full of support and encouragement. A family that couldn’t quite keep it all together. I am so very thankful for the lessons I have learned about both life and love and my hope is that when we emerge on the other side, we are happier, healthier versions of the people that we have left behind. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they use to be…and maybe you don’t want them to.
So what is my “scary, crazy, amazing goal for 2015, if I could literally accomplish ANYTHING in the world?”
An amicable divorce.
I file the papers, again, this Thursday. The ones we filed in 2013 have already been thrown out by the court, so we start the process over.