HATE is a 4 Letter Word

Remember that part in Crazy, Stupid, Love when Steve Carell’s character says, “ I have loved her, even when I hated her. Only you married people will understand that” ?

First of all, that is my favorite movie of all time and if you haven’t seen it, stop what you are doing and Netflix that shit now. You will thank me. Second, there is so much truth in that line. This is exactly how I feel right now. Cycles came around full circle again last night, on freaking Easter of all days, and hate is raging through my veins. Pure hatred. Hatred that makes me want to scream from this deep, guttural, primal place while shaking my fist in the air.

I stand here naked, having just gotten out of the shower after two hours at the gym and a major ugly cry fest and this intense Richter-scale level of hatred is making me smother screams of anger into my towel. I sure as hell don’t need the neighbors coming over thinking I am being murdered in my bathroom. And the most frustrating part is that I care for him so deeply as a person, as the father of my children that I would move mountains to make sure that he is safe. But, alas, he is not my problem. You cannot change anyone. You cannot save anyone. It will drive you mad- doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results. Crazy. Stupid. Love.

In fact, I hope that someone else will take over this role. I need someone to take over this role. I can’t do it anymore. I lose myself in it. Someone else can be his in case of emergency. Someone else can pace back and forth wondering if he will make it home safely. Someone else can call hospitals asking if there is a chance that he has been admitted. Someone else can check the HPD police website to see if he was booked. Someone else can call friends and family members to see if they have heard from him. Someone else can check Facebook to see if he has been online lately. Someone else can have panic attacks wondering why a 30 minute commute home has taken over an hour. Someone else can be the rock he breaks himself against.

I am done.

Let go or be dragged.


3 thoughts on “HATE is a 4 Letter Word

  1. LOVE is also a 4-letter word… In all of its strange & varied forms. You are not alone (or crazy ) in your feelings. And you will probably always love (care about, long for, want) him in some way – he has been an important part of your life. And the father of your beautiful children.
    Many many years ago, the 1st time I heard Dolly Parton sing “I will always love you” I was driving the kids to school. I was in a very bad place (many reasons) & on the verge of leaving. That song whacked me & I started crying so hard I had to pull over until I could pull myself together.
    Only when I worked on my own unhappiness, & yes , changes for both of us, did things get even, balanced & happier. We will celebrate 50 years this fall in Italy!
    What do you want for your future? Let go and reach out. And he can either go with you or not.


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