Bah E’ffing Humbug

Bah, Humbug

It the most wonderful time of the year…my ass. I am just not a fan of the holidays, more specifically Christmas. Thanksgiving is ok. It’s not that I am impervious to the smell of blue spruce or the twinkling of lights or the jingling of bells. I am even for the added pep in one’s step; I just don’t subscribe to the magical nature of the season.

  1. I am not religious. Therefore the “Jesus is the reason for the Season” and “Keep the Christ in Christmas” yard signs just don’t resonate with me. If Jesus is the reason for the season, then why so much emphasis on a big fat man in a plush red suit, or a reindeer with a glowing nose, or that damn Toys R’ Us catalogue?? I am confused. Did two holidays get all mixed and mashed up in one? It’s a birthday party and EVERYONE gets presents!?
  2. This brings me to presents…the very bane of my holiday existence. I like pretty things, I like giving pretty things and I like receiving pretty things. I like to see a HUGE smile sweep across my daughter’s face as she opens a gift that she has been nagging and pleading coveting. I like to surprise my husband with a perfectly thoughtful gift that he didn’t even know he wanted. I like splurging on a weird gift for my dad, or a funky piece of jewelry for my mom. I like hunting for the perfect gift for my mother-in-law. I do not, however, like being MANDATED to buy everyone a freaking gift just because convention and the “magic of the season” dictates that I do so. And now, it seems it can’t just be one gift, there must be several gifts exchanged with teachers and mailmen and babysitters and neighbors…It’s all too much.
  3. Too many traditions, too little time. OMG. My husband is a holiday traditionalist. If we do something one year, we must do it every year or risk ruining a tradition. Growing up, Christmas was a truly magical time of year for his family. They LOVED the pomp and circumstance, the decorations, the baking, the giving and receiving of gifts. 30 years later, I have acquired a Christmas torch that I am just not worthy of carrying. It is too heavy. Too monumental. There is too much history is in this fire and quite frankly, I cannot live up to the magic that this torch requires. I try my best throughout the season to continue old traditions and create new traditions that work with our little family, but find myself continually falling short. If there are 20 traditions and I drop ONE ball, it ruins the holiday thus negating the other 19 things I worked my ass off to create. Its stressful, exhausting, and quite frankly I can’t make anyone happy.
  4. The consumerism of it all! Can we say complete over consumption of things we do not need?? I mean seriously. Black Friday. Cyber Monday. My house is small cozy. We are not overflowing with gizmos and gadgets and lights and whistles and bins of shit that are never opened. We have a couple amazingly loved toys that make the kids happy for hours. Their favorite: A 1980’s Fisher-Price Family House with all the accessories, a tub of dinosaurs and a bunch of markers and a couple coloring books. That’s it. They LOVE them. I love they are so creative in their play and can be so immersed in the world they create. I don’t need more clutter. In fact, I love the idea of boxing up old toys and donating them to a women’s shelter. We are starting that this year and my daughter is excitedly collecting toys that she wants to donate for other kids to enjoy. She makes my heart happy with her kind and generous spirit.
  5. My holiday season would be perfect if I could collect all my family and friends from all corners of the US and bring them together for the day. I LOVE my family. All of them. Even the crazy ones, the stubborn ones, the type-A ones, the young ones, the old ones and even the bible-beaters. They all have a special place in my heart and have helped shaped me. I am so very thankful for the lessons, the stories, the guidance, the support and the love…the intangible GIFTS that each person in my life has given me. These are the gifts that I feel so very grateful for. I feel blessed beyond measure and do not need any amount of stocking stuffers to prove my love. I would rather spend money on plane tickets to connect with each other in person, perhaps over a pitcher of margaritas -not on gadgets and gizmos. I am grateful for all the people in my life and for the time, thoughts and money they put into gifts for the season, but I find it unnecessary. Just knowing I have the love, support and friendship is more than I could ever dream of. Thank you for all those people in my life- I love you all. Oh, and keep a look out for the UPS guy, your Christmas presents will arrive shortly.

MMMfalalalala

Find the hilarious Cross stitch patterns here:

Bah Humbug from nerdylittlestitcher

Fa la la la fucking la from Subversive Cross stitch

Christmas in October

I don’t like the holidays, let me just get that out there. I am super pissed off every year when I see commercials that reference the “holiday season” along side back to school ads! No, no, no. It is not the holiday season. The “holiday season” doesn’t begin until November. Let us freaking get through the hectic “summer is officially over” transition and buy our costumes and candy for Halloween before we dive head first into ugly jingle sweaters and pine scented plastic trees.

My daughter will be 5 and a half this Christmas season, which means that she is in full present/Santa/Elf/decorate a tree/snowball fight mode. Simply said, she will truly “get” it. My dear, sweet, holiday loving husband will be the very happiest this year. He is a Christmas fanatic. Before we were married he made us leave milk and cookies out for Santa and track his path on Santa radar. (I also had to get up in the middle of the night and throw out the now-warm milk and chunk the cookies into the nether regions of the freezer so they wouldn’t be spied thus exposing my secret….don’t tell my husband, he may be crushed.)

Two years ago the Elf on a Shelf nonsense didn’t go over very well. I thought we would try it out, but Ella didn’t really care and we lost interest. (Click HERE to see the Elf shenanigans)

Elmo on a shelf alternative to Elf of a Shelf

Elmo on A Shelf

In fact, we didn’t even spend the money (why is that string bean of an Elf so damn expensive??) and used a Elmo Elf that we had received the year before. Honestly though, the whole idea super e’ffing creeps me out. We tell our kids that a mythical Elf is watching over them to report back to Santa??

Yeah, I am sorry, if you are pissed off about the NSA then you should definitely not be encouraging “the man” to keep watch over your kids during the holiday season.  I know, I know, it’s supposed to be an incentive to keep your kids on their best behavior (which I am all for, I am not against bribes. The promise of fruit snacks got me through the terrible twos) however, the idea of a fat man coming down the chimney bringing presents because his super creepy elf was watching you all season…I don’t know. It’s all too much.

I want to enjoy the leaves changing color, scare some trick-or-treaters, cook a turkey, dress all snazzy for some holiday parties, open some pj’s on Christmas Eve, and then we can talk about Santa and all his creepy, breaking-an-entering antics. Let’s slow down. One thing at a time. It’s still October after all!

Let’s make a deal. I will promise to be less of a Grinch if we can all agree to take one holiday at a time. I may even get my own Elf on a Shelf…he may be creepy, but I could use the leverage with the tiny maniacs over here. (Can I borrow $30? I should have just coughed up the dough when he was on sale after Christmas last year.)

Xoxo

Elf on A Shelf may kill you.

It’s a possibility.