Love WINS!

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family.” -Justice Kennedy

I still believe in love. My own love may not have worked out so well, but I still believe it is possible. I believe in a real, true love of epic proportion. I don’t think that I am being overly optimistic, I think that I am finally asking for what I deserve- a love based on fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family. I deserve fidelity. I deserve devotion. I deserve sacrifice.

I have had crappy boundaries. In fact, I have had practically non-existent boundaries. Maybe I didn’t think that I was deserving of anything more. Maybe I didn’t have the self-esteem to stand up and demand better. Either way, due to my lack of boundaries, I became bitter, resentful, suspicious and angry. This is not love. I think this is what they mean by “a thin line between love and hate”. I never really understood that saying, but it is beginning to make more sense.

Love is a choice. Everyday. Everyday you must choose to put time and effort into caring for your delicate and precious love. Everyday you choose fidelity. Everyday you choose devotion. Everyday you choose to sacrifice for your family. If you are not waking up every morning with the intention to choose LOVE, then it will not flourish. Love cannot be taken for granted. Love is special. I love love! I love love even more now that I have lost it. I loved being unified by marriage and I do not want to turn cold and unreceptive to the idea of love.

My hope is to continue to practice compassion. Compassion with defined boundaries. Giving with defined boundaries. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life suppressing venom and vitriol. I don’t want to consume poison hoping the other person dies. It is so easy to get caught in the sticky web of animosity and revenge and I do not want that kind of negativity in my one precious life.

I choose to let go and move on.

So, today is a great LEAP forward for love! We should celebrate those brave enough to love fully, deeply and completely. Those that choose the profound union of marriage. Those willing to exemplify the “highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion and sacrifice”! What a beautiful opportunity to LET LOVE WIN! Because, after all, love is love.

Update: By the Numbers

28: Pounds I have lost

89: Days without alcohol

36: Days until the kids and I move into our own home

5: Days left before the divorce should be final

31: Days we will both live under the same roof after being officially divorced

1: Time in the last 2 months that I have completely lost my shit and exploded into a fiery mountain of rage and completely broken trust

6: Times I have looked up Al-Anon meetings

0: Al-Anon meetings I have actually attended

3: Times I have looked up Co-dependent Anonymous meetings

0: Co-dependent Anonymous meetings I have attended

45 (ish): Times I have wanted to take a Xanax in the last 2 months

1: Times I actually took a Xanax

5: Average number of times I work out a week

174, 609: Cuddles I have given my kids lately

235, 090: Number of “I love you” daily

79: Days until I have my first day of junior high all over again

5: Times a day I cannot keep my head from rabbit holing into unpleasant places

5: Times a day I pull myself out and back into the sunshine

1: Hour I have brushed up on American History…you know, the subject I will soon be TEACHING.

300: Approximately the number of hours I should spend brushing up on American History

3: Nights I will be gone for a teaching conference that I was invited to attend in New Orleans

10: Teachers from my school that were invited to the conference

3: Times a day I have thoughts that literally make me sick to my stomach

10: Times a day I have thoughts that make me smile

1300: Calories a day I need to stay under to lose 1.5lbs a week.

500: Average number of calories I burn at the gym every day

1.5: Longest distance of miles I have consecutively run

3: Average number of miles I run/walk a day

1: (maybe 2) Times I look around everyday and think,”it will all be ok, I got this”.

My Collection

This morning I was listening to Taylor Swift while on the treadmill, you know, like you do- and I had an epiphany: to make sense of this world I will become a collector- a collector of experiences. A collector of happiness, pain, sadness, excitement and passion. I will collect the good and the bad so that I can understand the depth and breadth of human capacity. We may not seek out some of these experiences on purpose, but they happen and we need to accept that they can happen to all of us eventually. Mourning, grieving, pain and death- they are all inevitable and universal. If you are lucky enough to experience great love, you will eventually experience great loss. Given a long enough timeline, everyone will share these same experiences and it is how we react and learn from them that is the true test. So far, here are some gems from my collection:

Embarrassment.

Hatred.

Jealousy.

Being on stage.

Falling in love.

Sex.

Graduating college.

Living dollar to dollar.

Being dumped.

Engagement. Twice.

Devastation.

Cancer scare.

Marriage.

Infidelity.

Labor.

Addiction.

C-Section. Twice.

Buying a house.

Bailing someone out of jail.

Separation.

Filing Divorce papers. Twice.

Unconditional love.

Heartbreak.

Soul mates.

Best friends.

Rejection.

Death.

Panic attacks.

Car wrecks.

Getting my dream job.

A million Dave Matthews Band concerts.

Unrequited love.

Supernatural.

Regret.

Happy tears while crossing off an item from my bucket list.