Love WINS!

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family.” -Justice Kennedy

I still believe in love. My own love may not have worked out so well, but I still believe it is possible. I believe in a real, true love of epic proportion. I don’t think that I am being overly optimistic, I think that I am finally asking for what I deserve- a love based on fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family. I deserve fidelity. I deserve devotion. I deserve sacrifice.

I have had crappy boundaries. In fact, I have had practically non-existent boundaries. Maybe I didn’t think that I was deserving of anything more. Maybe I didn’t have the self-esteem to stand up and demand better. Either way, due to my lack of boundaries, I became bitter, resentful, suspicious and angry. This is not love. I think this is what they mean by “a thin line between love and hate”. I never really understood that saying, but it is beginning to make more sense.

Love is a choice. Everyday. Everyday you must choose to put time and effort into caring for your delicate and precious love. Everyday you choose fidelity. Everyday you choose devotion. Everyday you choose to sacrifice for your family. If you are not waking up every morning with the intention to choose LOVE, then it will not flourish. Love cannot be taken for granted. Love is special. I love love! I love love even more now that I have lost it. I loved being unified by marriage and I do not want to turn cold and unreceptive to the idea of love.

My hope is to continue to practice compassion. Compassion with defined boundaries. Giving with defined boundaries. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life suppressing venom and vitriol. I don’t want to consume poison hoping the other person dies. It is so easy to get caught in the sticky web of animosity and revenge and I do not want that kind of negativity in my one precious life.

I choose to let go and move on.

So, today is a great LEAP forward for love! We should celebrate those brave enough to love fully, deeply and completely. Those that choose the profound union of marriage. Those willing to exemplify the “highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion and sacrifice”! What a beautiful opportunity to LET LOVE WIN! Because, after all, love is love.

Divorce: Part 2

I have sat down 100 times to write this. Some versions are sad, others happy. Sometimes it is angry and harsh, sometimes even calm and rational. I want to be diplomatic. I try to be strong and composed. But, other times, the fact that we are back at this point FUCKING INFURIATES ME!

For the most part there is a calm that is different than last time. Last time. I am so ashamed that I even have to say “last time”. Last time, when we decided to get a divorce- a year and a half ago- I wallowed in the separation. I chronicled the events and my emotions. It overtook my daily routine and became a whole new facet of me and I didn’t want that to happen again this time. I haven’t written much and for the most part I think it helped keep me in the present, living in the moment instead of introspectively behind the laptop. But, I felt like a liar. I felt like a huge part of me was remaining hidden but I wanted to wait until I could write the words with conviction:

I am getting a divorce.

Again.

I am so afraid of being the girl that cried divorce. My biggest fear is looking stupid. I feel like divorce makes me look stupid. It makes me feel stupid. Stupid that I have made bad decisions. Stupid that I failed. Stupid that I thought first love could be true love. Stupid that I am 33 years old and have to figure it all out again like some angsty college co-ed that can’t decide on her major. Only now, I have two kids and a soon to be ex-husband and I am just as lost as I was at 20- but with so much more responsibility. I have a new chapter to begin and that chapter starts now.

So, with heavy heart and anxious nerves, we will part ways.

Our kids are an amazing gift from this love affair gone askew and we will forever continue to put them first. We may not be married, but we will always be family. A family who always wants the best for each other. A family who loves fiercely and fully. A family full of support and encouragement.  A family that couldn’t quite keep it all together. I am so very thankful for the lessons I have learned about both life and love and my hope is that when we emerge on the other side, we are happier, healthier versions of the people that we have left behind. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they use to be…and maybe you don’t want them to.

So what is my “scary, crazy, amazing goal for 2015, if I could literally accomplish ANYTHING in the world?”

An amicable divorce.

I file the papers, again, this Thursday. The ones we filed in 2013 have already been thrown out by the court, so we start the process over.

xoxo

Marriage: A Scary Story of a Work in Progress

My husband and I have been together since our early 20’s and in the last 11 years we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. Our biggest of downs was last summer when we decided to file for divorce. We never did sign the papers and instead decided to recommit ourselves to our marriage- but it’s been a tough road. Divorce brings with it so many feelings and so much resentment. I feel like forgiveness is the key to shedding the pain and the anger of the past, but we all know that is so much easier said than done. There are always words you cannot forget hearing, actions you cannot forget taking place and feelings so raw that sometimes you forget that you made the choice to move past them long ago.

It’s difficult beginning a new chapter with the pain of the previous year lingering in the back of your brain. Little demons that don’t seem to want to let go and habits so deeply engrained that its second nature. So, at the heavy urging of a husband that already struggles with his own cyclonic depression- I have decided to work on myself and stop the arduous task of controlling everyone around me. I make myself miserable and it makes those closest to me miserable. It’s a nasty cycle that I can’t seem to jump off of. But, for the sake of my sanity, my health and my marriage I have to stop. I must let go. I must allow myself to focus inward and trust others to make their own decisions.

I have to believe we are all beautiful works in progress. No one has it all figured out. No one has mastered the art of living.

I have had underlying anxiety and stress and slowly it’s has taken a toll on me. After some research it looks like I may have adrenal fatigue. At least I have most of the major symptoms and it explains so much- my exhaustion, my headaches, my new weight gain in the belly region. I feel like I have spent so long taking care of others that I completely forgot about me. It also scares the living shit out of me because it can be a precursor to hypertension, heart disease and diabetes. The number one cause of death is heart disease. Sobering thought. I have spent so much time trying to control others that I am completely out of control and its scary. Its even scarier to realize that I have done it to myself. I somehow allowed the stress and anxiety of this crazy beautiful world to wear me down.

Lately I feel like I am all out of whack. Out of alignment. Off kilter and careening off into the universe hoping not to crash into something on the way. I think I narrowly missed implosion. At least, I hope I missed implosion. It’s tough to say. But, for the health and wellbeing of me, my husband and our kids- I need to figure it out now. I need to let go.

This may not make sense to anyone else. If not- I am so happy for you! Embrace your peace and happiness and tell me your secret. For those of you that understand where I am coming from, those caught in a cycle they have been in too long- it’s time to take a deep breath and Let. It. Go.

Ps. Honestly, I can’t even type “let it go” without thinking of Frozen- but I cannot think of a better term, damnit!

“I am never going back, the past is in the past!

Love and Marriage

So, I have been thinking if I am serious about writing a book it needs to be honest, right? I need to write about things that may be difficult. I need to venture into territory that makes me uncomfortable and vulnerable.  So little by little, I am opening up- because it is good to be scared. After all, writing a book is baring your soul to the (potential) world, right? Writing is about owning your thoughts and feelings and opening them for public consumption…here goes nothing.

My handsome husband works his fucking ass off at work. Like 65 hours a week- balls to the wall. He is one of those people that truly believes “if you want something done right then you have to do it yourself”. I don’t see him. The kids see even less of him. Honestly, I feel like a single parent most of the time. I am so annoyed most of the day that I have become bitter. I am exhausted, bitter and let’s face it, I can be a bitch.

Today he texts me, “You have become a nagging ball of self-serving animosity and bitterness.”

My reply, “I agree.”

He thinks that I am an anomaly. He believes that there must be millions of moms out there and that I am the ONLY one that has turned into a crazy bitter bitch. Well, I watch enough tv, read enough blogs and listen to enough NPR to know that I am without a doubt NOT alone. In fact, just today there was a panel of SAHMs on an NPR program talking about the joys, struggles and growing pains of being a full-time mom. I am not inventing the wheel, and I don’t presume to think that I have any innovations to add to the wheel either.

My reply, “It’s not a trend. It is simply a fact. It’s the hardest god damned job out there and yet being a SAHM has no pay, so you are still at the complete mercy of the provider to take care of you. While we all agree its a vitally important role, it still takes a back seat to anyone else’s needs simply due to the fact that we don’t earn income. Therefore, we are at the mercy of the income earner.”

Yes, I write a lot in a text message. That’s why I cannot Twitter…or Tweet…Twat. Whatever.

I continue, “You work all day making money and want to come home for a respite. Rest, relaxation and support, right?? Me too. That’s all I want. Our needs are the same. I have verbalized that I don’t feel I am getting that from you. You feel you are not getting that from me. That’s the crux. We are just humans working our asses off. We all want the same things. We all deserve the same things. We only get out as much as we put in and currently neither of us is putting much into our marriage because we are exhausting our resources at our jobs.”

He still doesn’t reply…

I continue, “It’s not earth shattering. It’s not a new concept the world has never seen before. It’s a commonality between most all couples with kids. We are not a science experiment to be studied. This is a struggle as old as time. How we handle the situation and evolve into our new roles is going to be what is important.”

Still, no reply. I assume he must be curing cancer from the radio silence that I have received.

Continuing, “But, neither of us is going I feel complete and happy until we make sure we can meet our required needs. This is where communication and lots of compromise is vital.”

No reply. He is a man a few words anyways, so I am not expecting some dissertation on the ideas surrounding marriage and family.  But, he may as well have his phone surgically attached to his hand, so I know the texts have been received; and I assume he at least skimmed my thoughts on the matter.

I reply, “I love you.”

He responds, “You too.”

Me: “You know this is going to end up in a blog, right?”

Him: “Oh, my.”

xoxo

Sleeping Naked

SLEEPING NAKED: OPEN DOOR AT YOUR OWN RISK

Growing up my parents slept naked. Like bare-assed naked. Every. Single. Night. I think this was quite smart on their part. I never wanted to go into their room after bedtime for fear of seeing body parts that I had only seen in my copy of Where Do Babies Come From?. (You remember the 70’s cartoon book, where the couple actually looks like normal people and not like the Barbie doll characters that would be in the 2014 version.) I am not sure exactly how the nickname came about but a friend growing up would call my parents Adam and Eve. Classy. (Although, my parents are the hippie-type, so maybe that has something to do with it, too)

Fast forward 20 years later…I sleep in damn near a sweat suit. Pajama pants, tank AND a sweater. Not to mention the sheet, a down comforter and the duvet cover. I get cold! I hate being cold. So, I go to bed dressed like an eskimo ready to settle in for a long winter. My husband constantly makes fun of the close relationship I have with my pajama pants. I admit- I do love them. I don’t wear them to run errands or even when I drop the kiddo off at preschool, but the minute I am home, I just want to fall into the sweet, sweet embrace of my blue Old Navy jammie pants.

So, here we are in the comfort of a fully air-conditioned house, typically set at 74, getting into bed, me in my sweat suit and my husband  in his boxers and a just a sheet.  Sounds super sexy, doesn’t it? No? Well, join the club. I believe that he is starting a “My Wife Wears Ugly Pajamas To Bed” support group. They meet on Tuesday evenings in the gym, refreshments will be served.

Last week I made a fairly radicle decree: HENCEFORTH WE BOTH MUST SLEEP NAKED. Effective immediately.  That night I dug through the closet looking for a lightweight robe to lie at the end of the bed. I will be damned if my house burns down and I have to grab my kids and run outside naked! No. No. No. I will be prepared in the event that the friends on the block may have to see the glory that is their neighbors in the nude. No. No. No.

I lasted one night. I was cold. I felt exposed. I felt kind of naughty, but not in that sexy confident way that I was hoping it would make me feel. But, I am nothing if not persistent. So day two, I try again. After a couple days, I will say that it gets easier and I have found myself sleeping throughout the night without nightmares of waking up to a fireman rescuing me from my burning house. (Although, now that I think about it, that may less of a nightmare and more of some fantasy dream sequence…)

I have done some research and found that 44% of American adults sleep in the nude! Really? Damn, there are a lot of you out there.  The research seems to have pretty clear findings that sleeping au natural has quite a few benefits:

1. You air out your private bits, giving less chance for infection.
2. You sleep better because your body can maintain a cooler temperature.
3. Being too warm at night disrupts the release of melatonin and growth hormone-your main anti-aging hormones-into your body. As your body temperature drops, growth hormone is released and works its regenerative magic. Who knew!?
4. Sleeping in the buff helps you sleep more soundly, which will allow your levels of the stress hormone cortisol to decrease as you rest, keeping your energy and hunger levels in check, thus even helping reduce belly fat!
5. Sleeping in your birthday suit is great for your relationship because lying skin to skin will increase feel-good chemicals like the cuddle hormone oxytocin, encouraging sexier relationships between the sheets.

Wow! Alright, I guess I am in. Who can say no to those findings? I am going to be one healthy, infection-free, hormonally balanced, confident sex machine. Watch out sweet hubby- be careful what you wish for!

Just curious, how many of you are now going to sleep naked tonight? Sweet dreams! (winky face)

xoxo

My worst nightmare.

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